callum20234

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

Wrong place

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using the "it's not you, it's me" speech with a slight variation, saying instead, "It's not me, it's you. And yes, I meant to say it that way round." FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

Heated debate

Today, my wife and I almost got a divorce over a game of Yahtzee. FML

What a cad!

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML

Today, during our wedding, my wife tried to dodge The Kiss. FML

Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

Today, my wife told me the main reason she married me is because I have a cool last name. FML

Magic trick

Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss. FML