Monsieur 30 ans En couple
Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML
Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML
Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML
Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML
Today, after two hours, I finally got my very cranky, sick baby to fall asleep. Five minutes later, a neighbor started shooting off fireworks. FML
Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML
Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML
Today, I found out I'm the only one in my family to wash their hands after they use the bathroom. FML
Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML
Today, while working at the bar, I was having a flawless night. Every pour was perfect, every shot expertly measured. I saw my manager for the first time that night, turned to greet him, and knocked over a tray of 30 or so glasses. Only two remained unbroken. FML
Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. After removing my underwear, he started singing "In the jungle, the mighty jungle..." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML
Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML
Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML
Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML
Today, I went to visit my boyfriend at work. That's where I met his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a video of him having sex with someone from one of his last relationships because he thought it would turn me on. FML
Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML
Today, I was supposed to go on a date. I have been playing solitaire the whole night waiting for him. Out of 15 games, I've won one. FML
Today, my school's yearbook awarded "Cutest Couple" to my boyfriend and me. We broke up yesterday. FML
Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML
Today, when my boyfriend said it was time to play with his baby, I figured he was talking about me. He meant his Xbox. FML
Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML
Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML
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