HAS95

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

Today, I tripped on a step that said "Watch your step." Two hours later, I hit my head on a sign that said "Mind your head." FML

Draining

Today, my swim coach had me swim a 400 meter freestyle. Feeling a little sick near the end, I lifted my head to breathe, then burped, and threw up violently all in the pool. All my team mates screamed horrified running out of the pool, and now they have to drain it. I was told not to come back. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

Today, a customer was rude to me, and I was rude back. He then asked for my manager, and I told him I was the store manager. He then identified himself as the corporate owner. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what celebrity I look like. He thought long and hard, then said "Sarah Jessica Parker." I gasped and told him that I find her extremely hideous. He replied "So do I." FML

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

Burglary [gone sexual]

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML

Today, I went into labor with my first child, and as much as I pleaded, I had to wait for my husband to finish his raid in World of Warcraft before he'd take me to the hospital. FML

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

Today, my daughter told my son that Santa is not real. Of course, being a child, he started to cry. My only problem is, my son is 11 and my daughter is 6. FML

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

Stranger danger

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

All shook up

Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was, "I farted." Well, at least they all laughed. FML

Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked over at the car next to me and saw a smoking hot guy from my school staring at me in disgust. He kept staring until I took a turn-off. FML

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

Love language

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend, "Where art thou, my love?" via SMS. She replied, "Toilet." FML

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

Today, someone started an event on Facebook for tomorrow called Kick A Ginger Day. Over 300 people are attending. There are only two redheads in my school, and I'm one of them. FML