Wadlaen

A drunk walks into a bar and says NO SEX TONIGHT · 22 juillet 2022, 16:00 🌶️ Épicée

The best laid plans…

Today, while trying to spice up our marriage, we decided to get a hotel room and roleplay as strangers who meet in a bar and have a one night stand. By the time I got there, he was engrossed in the football and on the beer. He didn't notice me arrive and when he did, he was too drunk to get the roleplay right. FML

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Late, for a very important date · 22 juillet 2022, 22:00

Protip

Today, I found out my boyfriend accounts for my being late all the time whenever we go out. For example, he will ask me to be ready by 7, knowing I don't actually need to be ready until 7:45. He was so good at it that it's taken me 6 months of dating to notice. Am I insulted or impressed, I don't know. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 184 Tu l'as bien mérité 2 809

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awkward times two · 21 juillet 2022, 14:00 🌶️ Épicée

Experiment with awkwardness

Today, I got a new trainee at work. She was the experimental one-night stand I’d had several months back and never called again. She kept making remarks about how excited she is to be working under me again and winking. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks. FML

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Anonymous · 21 juillet 2022, 22:00 🌶️ Épicée

Go play with your Lego

Today, I had to hide under my husband silently as he tried to get our 3 year-old son to go play in the living room so we could both finish. Sex is hard when you have kids. FML

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Anonymous · 20 juillet 2022, 02:00 ·United States

When you gotta go…

Today, my youngest son, for the third time, decided that the toilet is not where he wants to go to the bathroom. This wouldn't be an issue if he wasn't also squatting in the yard to take a dump. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 877 Tu l'as bien mérité 218

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Anonymous · 20 juillet 2022, 04:00 🌶️ Épicée

Love comes quickly

Today, my girlfriend dressed as Black Widow in a professionally-made skintight suit for our anniversary and even dyed her hair red. I was so turned on I did something I’ve never, ever done before: I orgasmed in my pants before she even touched me. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 2 239 Tu l'as bien mérité 638

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Anonymous · 20 juillet 2022, 22:00 🌶️ Épicée

Wait

Today my wife told me she really wanted to have sex, and to wait in bed while she got ready. Turns out get ready means do the dishes, feed the dogs, clean the cat's litter tray, phone her sister, make coffee, shower, and wait for the dryer to dry her pyjamas. By the time she got in bed, I'd fallen asleep. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 531 Tu l'as bien mérité 1 148

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fuck you pikachu! · 18 juillet 2022, 00:00 ·United States 🌶️ Épicée

Good question

Today, I found out the rumors are true: my girlfriend is in fact cheating on me. I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that she got busted for sex in a public park, or the fact that they’ve met up there several times to play Pokémon Go. Is that even a thing anymore?! FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 549 Tu l'as bien mérité 230

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Anonymous · 17 juillet 2022, 14:00 🌶️ Épicée

Reign of terror

Today, as part of my dad's campaign to force me to move out, he has decided that he is now a nudist. As soon as he gets home every day, he strips and sets his meat and potatoes free to swing in the breeze. I want to move out, desperately, but I can’t afford to. FML

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Anonymous · 13 juillet 2022, 18:00 🌶️ Épicée

MAI WAIF

Today, I got a secondhand message from my mother to not jerk off so much. I know it’s secondhand because my wife says the same thing. They’re in cahoots and lie to one another: mom just wants grandkids, and my wife doesn’t want a smile on my face she didn’t put there. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 185 Tu l'as bien mérité 541

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Anonymous · 12 juillet 2022, 00:01

Winning

Today, my mom has a new boyfriend. She insists he’s a good catch, because he makes enough from unemployment to afford Netflix and smoke weed every day, never mind that he doesn’t have a car, or a home of his own, or his original teeth, or underpants without holes in them. FML

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Liam · 12 juillet 2022, 04:00

That's entertainment

Today, my son and his girl best friend have been dancing around each other for a year, unwilling to make the first move. It's a great source of entertainment for my wife, while I just want to yell at them to kiss already, but my wife has threatened "CONSEQUENCES" if I ruin the fun she has watching their teen drama. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 229 Tu l'as bien mérité 265

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Anonymous · 12 juillet 2022, 22:00 🌶️ Épicée

Nice try, kiddo

Today, my 9 year-old son actually thought he could blackmail me for money and an Xbox with a very badly photoshopped picture of me in bed with Hermione from the Harry Potter films. My wife thinks this is hilarious, but I’m worried if he’s doing this at 9, what will he be doing at 18? FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 552 Tu l'as bien mérité 252

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Anonymous · 11 juillet 2022, 06:00 🌶️ Épicée

They grow up so fast these days…

Today, my 5 year-old and I walked in on a girl giving her boyfriend a blow job in the washroom at the playground. Last week we found a crack pipe on the picnic table. So many conversations I wish we could have waited for… FML

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Anonymous · 11 juillet 2022, 10:00 🌶️ Épicée

Imma head out

Today, I heard my step-dad hitting my mom, and her begging him to stop, so I grabbed my cricket bat, ran in, and almost brained him. Luckily I stopped in time, because they were both naked having sex. Apparently my mom likes extreme spanking. Eww. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 594 Tu l'as bien mérité 316

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Guess who's back · 10 juillet 2022, 02:00 ·Homebush, Australia 🌶️ Épicée

Scarred for life

Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 478 Tu l'as bien mérité 1 980

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believekimber · 9 juillet 2022, 12:00

Sarcastic order

Today, I have found the Holy Grail of fast food ordering. You will never be disappointed: when they say, “May I take your order?” Say, “Yes surprise me, and please charge me for something that will never make it to the bag.” Your order will always be perfect. FML

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Five Is The Spiciest Number · 9 juillet 2022, 14:00 🌶️ Épicée

Party of five

Today, while I was helping my parents clean their house to my dad's playlist, the song "Mama Told Me (Not to Come)" started playing. My mom very casually said to my dad, "I did tell you, but you did anyway. Five times, in fact." Guess how many children my parents have, including myself? FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 006 Tu l'as bien mérité 238

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believekimber · 9 juillet 2022, 16:00

It's Caturday, respect our feline leaders

Today, I was feeding my pets and playing with my puppy when I suddenly felt something behind me. My cat is on the arm of the couch steadily spanking my butt with his paw. I can't win! FML

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Anonymous · 8 juillet 2022, 00:00

Bridezilla

Today, my fiancée is a Marvel fan, and insists her wedding ring be made of Palladium, the stuff that powers Iron Man’s heart. A ring in the style she wants costs almost £1000 and we are not wealthy, the budget for the entire wedding is only £4000, but she insists or she won’t marry me. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 822 Tu l'as bien mérité 385

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Anonymous · 8 juillet 2022, 12:00 🌶️ Épicée

I'm horny, horny horny horny

Today, I got home horny as all ready to jump my husband, until I saw him asleep in his armchair with his gut hanging out his belt, his dinner down his vest, no pants on, and scratching his balls in his sleep. I’m no longer horny. FML

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Anonymous · 8 juillet 2022, 18:00 ·United States

Fool me once…

Today, my ex showed up at my doorstep, claiming to be pregnant with my baby. Of course, I pointed out we broke up ten months ago and hadn't seen each other again until just now, and she is currently six months along. She actually admitted to my face that she figured I'd be too stupid to put the pieces together. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 743 Tu l'as bien mérité 150

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Anonymous · 7 juillet 2022, 12:00 🌶️ Épicée

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out my mom had been sleeping with most of my ex-boyfriends. When I was told about it the first time, I took it as a joke. Now I know it's true. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 453 Tu l'as bien mérité 148

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Ihatepigsnow · 7 juillet 2022, 14:00

Meat is murder

Today, I was at my uncle’s farm and his pig had piglets. They looked super adorable, so I picked one up. The poor thing started shrieking bloody murder. Mama pig wasn’t too happy. I have the stitches to prove it. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 307 Tu l'as bien mérité 1 330

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Anonymous · 7 juillet 2022, 18:00 ·Switzerland 🌶️ Épicée

Have some patience

Today, waiting times in our emergency department were so long that a patient who'd initially presented with just a sprained ankle eventually presented with a sprained ankle and a request to test for STDs because he went to see a prostitute instead of waiting, and his condom broke. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 148 Tu l'as bien mérité 251

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Anonymous · 5 juillet 2022, 10:00 🌶️ Épicée

Face the truth

Today, my husband has increasingly been asking for doggy style, which is not as romantic as missionary, so I asked him why the change. Apparently some of my pregnancy stretch marks make a goofy face and he can’t concentrate from trying to stop giggling, so his solution, flip me over and go at it from behind. FML

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Anonymous · 5 juillet 2022, 18:00 🌶️ Épicée

The rhythm method

Today, my girlfriend has two speeds in bed: so slow that it’s just not exciting for me, or so hard and fast, I can’t physically keep up and it starts to hurt. We’ve discussed our different needs a bunch, but so we’ve had sex every night this week and I only orgasmed once, masturbating in the shower. FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 207 Tu l'as bien mérité 288

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David · 3 juillet 2022, 02:00 ·Jonesboro, United States

It's not what you think

Today, I had the front door open, and my cat Watson, who I often call Little Boy, was sitting in front of the screen door. I wanted to close the door so, speaking to my cat, I said, "Come here, Little Boy," at which point a young child came running up to my door. His dad yelled, "Get back here!" FML

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Jon · 2 juillet 2022, 02:00 ·Kanata, Canada 🌶️ Épicée

The state of sex ed

Today, I'm a divorced father, and my daughter is having a sleepover with 5 friends. They are about to jump in the hot tub and one of them is using one of my girlfriend's tampons. This led to a discussion about virginity and hymens. The quality of sex ed in my province is terrible, but I'm hiding instead of correcting them. FML

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creepy af · 1 juillet 2022, 18:00 ·United States

Territorial

Today, I asked my girlfriend to wait at my new place for some furniture to be delivered. When I got the notification on my phone, I checked the cameras and saw her pressing her sweaty armpits against multiple surfaces. When confronted, she said she was using pheromones to “mark her territory.” WTF? FML

Je valide, c'est une VDM 1 183 Tu l'as bien mérité 226

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