Sakura13_fml

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

Why would you do this?

Today, a female co-worker was struggling with a stack of boxes in her hands. Her pantyhose was falling down and she asked me to help her, so I pulled up her pantyhose. When I looked up, she had a horrified look on her face. She was asking me to help her hold the boxes. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved his flaming red hair. He told me that he loved the fuzz on my butt. FML

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML

Hi, bye!

Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date said, "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

Today, I finally got my first kiss. I was so excited, I pissed myself. FML

Book him!

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

Today, after buying some groceries, I walked back to my car. After trying several times to get in the door, I finally look up and see a terrified little boy holding onto his teacup poodle for dear life, frantically waving me away. My car was two spots over. FML

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were "bored". FML

Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours to retrieve it. My boyfriend's dog stuck his nose in my ass. FML

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

Innocence

Today, I was sitting on the bus following a harrowing breakup. A boy of no more than 6 looked at me full of compassion and said, "Are you crying because you're ugly?" FML

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

Dad jokes!

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

Today, my sister and I both got "good luck" cards from our aunt, wishing us well on our exams. My sister's said, "We know you will do well." Mine said, "We will love you no matter what happens." FML

Today, I pretended to not be able to go out with a friend so I could hang with my boyfriend at the movies. When I sat down I received a text that said, "Turn around." It was her. FML

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

Caught in a lie

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with, "Liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML