Mademoiselle 34 ans
Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by sending me a Bumper Sticker on Facebook that said "Bitch, let's get married". FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML
Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML
Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me out to dinner, which we never do. While at the restaurant he gets down on his knees, looks me in the eyes, and pulls out a little box. He opens it and inside is a note that says 'We're Done.' He then leaves me at the restaurant with the bill and the $2.00 box. FML
Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML
Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML
Today, I found out my 19 year-old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year-old guy who cleans our pool. FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Today, the Vuvuzela that my brother ordered online was delivered to our house. FML
Today, I was walking around in the mall when I dropped my purse. When I bent down to pick it up, some guy came up behind me, humped my ass, then ran away laughing. FML
Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML
Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML
Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML
Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML
Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML
Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML
Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML
Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML
Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML
Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML
Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML
Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML
Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML
Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML
Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML
Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML
Today, my husband told me that he thinks I am getting a little heavy and may need to lay off the junk food. The ultrasound is hanging on our fridge. FML
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