NoteofMadness

Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the sh*t out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML

Today, I bit into a Reese's Cup that had been sitting on my desk for a while. As I did, half of a yellow meal worm fell out and landed in front of me, the other half was in my mouth. It was wiggling. FML

Today, my cell phone rang while I was still asleep. I picked it up, half asleep, only to find it was a wrong number from some guy. Three minutes later I receive a text message saying "Hey, you sound cute..." from the same number. I looked to see if he was local. I'm that desperate. FML

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

Priorities

Today, my dad was in town for a day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dad's slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. In total, we talked for 15 minutes. FML

Nice try

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said, "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying, "I'm good" or, "I'm okay", I said, "I'm gay". FML

Today, I was coaching a little league soccer game. I was telling one of my players to go cover another kid. I said "go cover the little yellow kid!" because he happened to be wearing a yellow shirt. He also happened to be Asian. I then got death stares from his family members. FML

Today, I spilt boiling tea all over my stomach and left leg, so I went to the hospital to get it checked out. They said I wouldn't be able to expose it to the sun for the next two months. I'm going to Barbados tomorrow. FML

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

New, from Goop

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

Today, I felt left out by the fact that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships, and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a Facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay when he started hitting on my made-up Facebook guy. FML

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

Today, I received the final piece of puzzle that my boyfriend of two years has been sending me through the mail for the last week. Turns out, it wasn't a love letter like I originally thought it was. He was breaking up with me via a puzzle through the mail. FML

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

Are you OK?

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML

Today, my mom and I rented a hotel room. She decided to go to bed, while I watched MythBusters. Apparently, my mom got hot while she slept. She threw the covers off of herself and pulled up her night-gown. I turned to find out that my mother does not wear underwear when she sleeps. FML

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

What are you doing ear?

Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML

Volcanic

Today, I was at Walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong, she said that I'd "killed her nose." FML

Misunderstanding

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

What are you doing?

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting… friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

The best day of your life

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress, the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger, but squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend watching a movie, my boyfriend then leans in and says: "You know, you're my favourite girlfriend." I then jokingly responded by saying: "You say that like I'm not the only girlfriend you have right now." I hate being right. FML