luciaaaaaaaaaaaa

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

Invasion of the bodysnatchers

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

Yeetus

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

Burglary [gone sexual]

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML

Don't wanna know

Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. We were colouring, and she told me she wanted to draw a picture of me. After she was done, she showed me the picture. I'm drawn as a fat cow. The worst part is, the picture actually looks kinda like me. FML

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

Adding insult to injury

Today, I was answering a text from one of my students asking me if they could retake a test. I thought I'd texted back, "No, you can't." Auto correct had used a more frequently used word: "No, you cunt." FML

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

Dad jokes!

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML

Today, I got a call from a man yelling and cursing at me, calling me a "selfish no-life asshole" for getting his "baby girl" pregnant. I'm 29 and she is 27 and we have been married for 3 years. FML

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

Get me out of here

Today, my roommate demanded that I dance naked for him as a birthday present. When I declined, he offered to pay me. When I declined again, he stormed off to pout in his room and played really loud depressing music. We're both guys and I have 11 months left on my lease with him. FML

Today, a fight broke out in a bar between several people, over some talk about one of their moms being somewhat inclined towards intercourse with her pets. I managed to slip out quietly with just a scratch from flying chair debris, despite having started the rumor. FML

Mixed signals

Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

Balls!

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

Today, a hooker refused my custom. According to her, "Even whores have standards." FML

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

Health risk

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because, "It's chicken, not salmon." FML

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

Desperate for D

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

Today, to show that he really wanted me to shave myself, my boyfriend pretended to go down on me, but instead of following through, he stuck a wad of gum in my pubic hair and got back up. FML

Today, the shy girl in my class brought a cake to share with everyone, since it's her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "Happy Birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class knew her name, myself included. FML