captainsquare

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

The tourist

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally replied, "Yeth ma'am." She ended the tour right there. FML

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

Today, a police officer gave me a ticket for smoking. He told me that my parents would have to be contacted to come pick me up. My drunk dad came to the rescue, and almost hit the police car. Way to go dad. FML

The final countdown

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend while at my aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message, I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she's taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML

Today, I got a parking ticket in the mail. I don't have a car. FML

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML