navie4444

Close, but no cigar

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

Social media is dangerous

Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML

Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML

Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML

Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

Today, my mom called me in a panic because someone had hacked my phone and was sending her evil faces. They were emojis I'd accidentally butt-dialed. FML

Heftychonk

Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud wheezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML