narutoarya

Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML

Today, after having sex, my girlfriend left my apartment after furiously ranting at me, because I made her come "too many times" and that it's "unfair" to her. What? FML

Today, my husband finally returned from his 18-month deployment. Sexually starved, we wasted no time getting busy. Later as we finally cooled off, I got a message from my Aunt. She was hiding in our closet the whole time to surprise us with cake for his safe return. FML

THIS DOESN'T FEEL NICE… OHHH

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

Pretend

Today, my girlfriend tried to get me to wear curly wig, so I could pretend to be Harry Styles in bed. FML

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

Great, I guess

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

Today, three days before I take my bar exam, the biggest exam of my life, I got my monthly. And I get to bring my belongings in a clear plastic bag so the world knows. FML

Split second

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML