Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML
Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face", while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML
Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML
Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML
Today, I was watching Free Willy with my boyfriend. It was at the part where the boy leaned into the water to give Willy a hug. I asked, "How do you even hug a whale?" My boyfriend rolled over and gave me a hug, and said, "Like this." FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML
Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML
Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML
Today, my girlfriend let me stay over at her house for the first time. I went into her room only to find out she's obsessed with the Joker and has a bunch of posters and toys of him. I am deathly afraid of clowns. FML
Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML
Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML
Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML
Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML
Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML
Today, I found out that I have a highly irrational fear of little people. I made this self discovery when my mother introduced the family to her new fiancé. FML
Today, I gave my son a fork, so I could try teaching him how to eat with one. So far, he's been doing all the teaching. He's taught me that if I get anywhere near him when he has a fork, I'll get shanked. FML
Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML
Today, my crush finally agreed to spend the night with me. I told my parents to act normal for one night. Apparently, "normal" is strutting around naked and acting like a chicken. FML
Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML
Today, I was mugged at gunpoint by a senior citizen. She now has a lousy $20, and I probably have PTSD. FML
Today, I realized how much I'm on the computer. I tried to "CTRL+Z" on something I wrote down on my paper. FML
Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML
Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML
Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML
Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML
Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML
Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML
Today, I realized how bad my depression has gotten when I caught myself fantasizing about suicide while having sex with my husband. FML
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