delphina

Today, I convinced myself I needed to get over my ex-girlfriend. I spent twenty minutes signing up for a new dating site, only to find out, that the only other profile on the site of a person within 200 km, is my ex-girlfriend. FML

Today, I sliced my arm open on the weekend, patched it with a fabric bandaid. Had an allergic reaction to the bandaid, arm now swollen, blistering and keeping-me-awake itchy. Pharmacist's advice? "Oooh, that looks bad. Better put a bandaid on that." FML

Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

Earthquake sneezer

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML

Bad idea

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to a car show. I told him to hold on, I had to ask my mom. I quietly asked her to say no for me. She said "Sure!". FML

Lonely days

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself. I'd got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying, "Your cat is fat." FML

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML

Mystery

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I'd never met this girl. FML

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

Toys R Us

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys… a big black rubber cock. FML

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

Today, I looked at the Facebook page of the girl I really liked, and I saw that she'd written on her friend's wall, "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night. FML

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

Well done!

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home calling bingo numbers. One woman stood up and started making noises, so I assumed she had won and started clapping. She then fell on the floor and died of a heart attack. I essentially applauded her death. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry…" FML

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

Classy

Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. FML