Snaek

Today, I noticed I parked behind a boy I like. Trying to impress him with my driving skills, I ended up forgetting to put the car in reverse and rear-ended him. FML

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

Today, I spent 2 hours slaving over a hot stove to make my kids the perfect dinner. They both came home with Happy Meals in their hands. FML

Today, it's been a few days since I saw an ad advertising my job after being told about it by a telemarketer. When I asked my boss about it, she claimed things were fine, it was an old ad, not to worry. Now, I was actually fired for no valid reason. A telemarketer gave me more warning than they did. FML

Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

Funny to him

Today, I woke up to my husband chuckling. When I asked him what was so funny. He told me that during the night I attempted to shove one of the kids' pacifiers in his mouth. I don't remember this, at all. He thinks it's hysterical. I'm not sure what to think. FML

Today, after far too many times of my brother stealing food out of my own personal mini fridge, I bought a lock and chained the handles together. I came back to find that my brother had responded by breaking the doors off their hinges. FML

The simple life

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

Today, the favorite activity of the four kids I'm babysitting is running up to me when I least expect it and farting on me. I can't even sit down without them attacking me with their butts. FML

Trickster

Today, I left my phone at work. After returning to the office to retrieve it, I noticed it was not on my desk as it usually is. I went to the front office and found it on the desk, unattended. When turning on my phone, I was greeted by my new lockscreen: a crap someone took in the bathroom. FML

Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML

Nice mental image

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

Today, I bought an iPhone SE, so my mom decided to sell my old iPhone 5 on Craigslist. Since the 5 and SE look exactly the same, she ended up selling my SE instead of the 5 for $100. The buyer refuses to give it back. FML

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

Time is money

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work, because, "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML

Today, I took a drug test. Not only did I fail the drug test, but I mostly missed the sample cup and got urine all over my pants. FML

Today, I woke up at 5 a.m. to the sound of my cat knocking things over. It wasn't until my boyfriend sat upright and checked, that I realized it actually wasn't our cat, but my boyfriend's crazy ex-girlfriend trying to get into our second-story window. This isn't the first time she's done this. FML

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

Today, while driving to a client's home, I received a text. Since I loathe those who text and drive, I pulled into a convenience store's parking lot. While I was texting, a car sped into the lot, rear-ending my car. FML

Snitches get bitches

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

Fancy seeing you here

Today, I woke up and heard the shower running. Would have been nice to know my father-in-law was here before I walked in naked. FML

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

You're in the army now

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML