Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband and I, for a laugh, did our first dance to LMFAO's "I'm sexy and I know it" with stupid moves and everything. 200 guests. Nobody laughed. FML
Today, I got home and noticed people were looking at my next-door neighbor's house that's for rent. Peering closer, I realized my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with a few months ago were inside. After they left, the "For Rent" sign came down. I've got new neighbors. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML
Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML
Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML
Today, my boyfriend was extremely nervous to meet my parents but I made him do it anyway. One of the first things out of his mouth was, "I'm glad you had sex." When they gave him a look of shock, he added, "You know, when you made your daughter! She's awesome!" FML
Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML
Today, my sister sent me countless pictures of my boyfriend making out with different girls at a bar. His excuse? Photoshop. FML
Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML
Today, we've been dating for over three months, but I went over my girlfriend's house for the first time. As we walked through the door, I was greeted by a little girl whose first words to me were, "Are you my daddy?" FML
Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend regularly has his ex stay over. They even share a bed. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML
Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML
Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML
Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML
Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML
Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about how I'm jealous of her best guy friend always hanging around her. She responded by saying, "Wait, I thought you knew I was dating him too?" FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I watched my boyfriend flirt with a cashier and write down his number for her, through the liquor store window, while I sat in the car waiting for him to finish buying things for our "romantic movie night." FML
Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML
Today, my 8-year-old came home from school crying. Apparently her teacher told the whole class to write about how they felt when they learned that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. FML
Today, for the tenth time, my teacher made a misbehaving student sit next to me as punishment. He begged for detention instead. FML
Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML
Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML
Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML
Today, my sister introduced our parents to her new boyfriend. He's my boyfriend, and he told me he was going to be out of state for a few weeks on business. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!" I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML
Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML
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