Mademoiselle Exmouth, England 33 ans En couple
Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML
Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML
Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML
Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML
Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML
Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML
Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML
Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML
Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML
Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML
Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML
Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML
Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML
Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML
Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML
Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML
Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML
Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML
Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML
Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML
Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML
Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML
Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML
Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML
Today, I was on the train ride home from a trip to Florida, and I gave my mom a call. While we talked, I made an offhand comment that all my friends back home must miss me. She knowingly asked if I meant my Sims and my cat. FML
Today, I twisted my ankle during a round of golf, after trying to do a fancy jumping high five. FML
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