Sfmsk

Parasocial

Today, I went shopping with my sister. Looking for something to say, I told her how one of my friends had been burglarized. Then I realised it was Bree on Desperate Housewives. FML

Today, I discovered my boyfriend of 5 months runs a website where men can submit nude or semi nude pictures of their ex's for revenge. FML

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

See ya later

Today, my sister drove past me while I was walking home in the rain. She honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

Today, I was at Target deciding what chap-stick to get when an old lady violently hit me with her umbrella and kept yelling at me saying, "You are too young for this! Think twice!" FML

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

Blocking time

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

Tight

Today, I needed to buy a new crash helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

Today, I called my very overprotective father, and he took the time to tell me how proud he was of me for finally finding a good and respectable boyfriend. And that he was sorry he misjudged. I was calling for bail money to get my "good, respectable" boyfriend out of jail. FML

Today, I was relaxing at home while my boyfriend played with his hamster. After a while of silence, my boyfriend came over and put his fingers next to my face. Trying to be cute, I stuck his fingers in my mouth and sucked on them. Turns out he was trying to show me how bad hamster pee smells. FML

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It's cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

Today, I decided I wanted to dye my hair a medium brown. Little did I know, some jerk switched the hair dye boxes. My hair is now bright orange. FML

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

Creepy Susan

Today, I'm hiding in my own house, because my crazy neighbor wants to "play." Yesterday when I agreed, she made me spend the whole day with her, then burst into tears when I had to leave. She's been waiting outside for over two hours. FML

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said, "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

On the scene

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

What what?

Today, my car broke down because someone stuck a dildo in the tail pipe. I'd parked in my driveway. FML

David Lee Roth approves

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML