Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML
Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML
Today, my only motivation to get out of bed was cupcakes in the refrigerator. FML
Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML
Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML
Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML
Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML
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