Niark_fml

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

Alas…

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

Insult to injury

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

Today, my girlfriend complimented me on my ass. Before I could say thanks, she continued by commenting that she wouldn't mind "breaking it in". FML

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML

Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML

Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

Too late

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML