music_woman1

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

Special ingredient

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML

Today, I dolled myself up and hit the campus gym, hoping to leave with a cute boy's number. I left in a stretcher. FML

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

Creepy

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "Me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

What is wrong with my brain?

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML

Today, my hatred for IKEA reignited when I rammed my knee into my hotel bathroom's plexiglass counter top while I was drying myself off. Their interior designer must have have been suffering brain damage when she matched everything with the floor tiles. FML

Today, while my plane took off, I was forced to sit and watch as somebody rear-ended my car in the parking lot. FML

Charming

Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML