Mademoiselle London, England 29 ans Célibataire
Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML
Today, it's my mother's birthday. She received the ultimate gift from my brother, who told her he had just been accepted into medical school. I bought her scratch-offs. She won a dollar. FML
Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML
Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML
Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML
Today, I was walking down the street, when I saw a guy in front of me trip and fall forwards, and I quickly jumped forward to steady him. Apparently he thought he was being mugged, and threw his head backwards into my face, leaving my nose a bloody mess. FML
Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified, me or him. FML
Today, I visited my new doctor for the migraines I've been getting lately. Right from the start, I could have sworn the guy was on drugs. He just listened to my heartbeat, said, "Well Dave, it sounds like gallstones" and said they'll pass naturally. FML
Today, my son paid the price for emulating his idols, aka the sub-human scum on Jersey Shore. He called me from jail and actually had the balls to try to guilt me into bailing him out, after he'd been arrested for punching his girlfriend at a liquor store. FML
Today, it's my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted out, "You too!" FML
Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML
Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML
Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML
Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML
Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. FML
Today, while giving my fiancé a hand-job, my ring got stuck in his pubes. We had to awkwardly get to the kitchen to get scissors. FML
Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML
Today, my boss gave me a new assignment at work: go online and look for my own replacement, then interview him. FML
Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML
Today, I was at work when a co-worker decided it would be funny to email me from my boss's computer to tell me I had been laid off. It wasn't funny when I was fired for real after "skipping work without giving notice." FML
Today, I realized I have been single for far too long when I was turning off porno after porno because I couldn't stand the horrible acting. FML
Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML
Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML
Today, a guy asked for my number at a party. As I was entering my number into his phone, my name and a picture of me popped up. I'm afraid I just met my stalker. FML
Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML
Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML
Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML
Today, I went to get my midterm essay grade thinking I couldn't have made lower than a B. Got to class and my douchebag professor gave me an F. He wrote "Best essay I read, would've been an A if it was the right topic." I wrote on the Industrial Revolution, instead of the Scientific Revolution. FML
Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML
Today, I anxiously waited 8 hours for an important phone call. The phone rang while I was sitting on the toilet. FML
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