music_woman1

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

Today, I watched as my dad noticed a spider on the ceiling. Instead of getting a shoe, he pulled out a 9mm and shot it. I'm not sure if this is an epic win or a sign that my family is crazy. FML

Today, I went to my regular pharmacist of three months, and since I've always seen him on a crutch, I asked him how his leg was. His response, "Still missing". FML

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to make me dinner surrounded by a candlelight setting. By the time I got home, we had 7 firefighters surrounding our house. Turns out one of the candles fell on the carpet and lit up the curtain as well. FML

Today, I woke up early and spent hours baking and icing a three-tier cake for my friend's eighteenth birthday, which is this evening. I just found out my mother threw it in the compost bin because she's on a diet and it was "tempting" her. FML

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

Today, after a particularly difficult late night workout at the gym, I decided to shower in the locker room. I must have passed out, because I later woke up naked, surrounded by police after someone called to report a dead body in the shower. FML

Hormonal

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

Cool moves, dude

Today, I was listening to some Michael Jackson through my earphones when I saw this really cute girl. Trying to impress, I approached her while doing some dance moves, not thinking about how unbelievably stupid it must have looked without the music. FML

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

Big brain bug

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

Today, I went to an orchestra concert. Halfway through the performance I had to fart really bad, so I decided to try and sneak it in while the orchestra was playing a loud exciting part. Just as I let it rip, there was a dramatic pause in the music. Everyone heard. FML

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

Today, I was in traffic court trying to get out of a ticket. The judge called my defense "complete, unadulterated bullshit." FML

Today, I had to drive the guy I've been seeing for the past few months to the emergency room. So that he could witness the birth of his newest child. FML

Today, while I was walking home alone, a homeless man approached me and took me by the hand. Apparently, he's been watching me for weeks and has fallen madly in love with me. He told me not to worry, though, he's "not a rapist." FML

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

Home sweet home

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa, and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

Today, my brother was playing with the pepper spray on my key chain. He didn't think it was real, so to test it he sprayed me in the mouth while I was asleep. FML

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

Today, I got a sweet promotion at my job. Instead of being happy and celebrating with me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he is jealous that I'm more successful than he is. FML

Today, I was running late for an important job interview because I couldn't find my keys. I place the keys on my kitchen counter every day to prevent exactly this type of situation. After few minutes and missing my interview, I finally found my keys, in my hand. FML

Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML

Today, I walked too close to a first-aid kit sticking out of a wall at work, and it cut my arm. Laughing at the irony, I opened it to get a band aid out. It was empty. FML

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML

Today, I asked my teenage daughter to read off directions from my iPhone while I drove. She went on Instagram instead. We missed the turn by 32 miles. FML

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML