sleepwalker13

Today, I was complimented on my hat by two different people. I wasn't wearing a hat. FML

Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML

First time?

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

Not a Bio major

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

Today, my boyfriend tried to climb up to my third story window in the early hours of the morning. Just before he got to the top, he slipped and fell to the ground. My dad had to drive him to the hospital at 3am. FML

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

Careful

Today, I was having a driving lesson. I ended up driving so badly that my instructor asked me to stop the car. Not so he could explain my mistakes to me, but so he could get out and vomit. FML

Genius

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

Go home dad, you're drunk

Today, I ran into my father. He was drunk and singing in the street. At 1:25pm. FML

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

Gross, so gross

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

Blocking time

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

Confused?

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

Today, after I went to collect my pay for babysitting, the girl's dad pulled the old "Can I pay you in Trident Layers?" bull on me. Hoping to show that I wasn't going to play ball, I told him that watching his gran inhale a cock would be funnier. If scowls could kill... FML

Sorry to disappoint you, but…

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

Today, I came across a picture of my grandpa taking a hit off a bong, while wearing nothing but a Playboy shirt. FML

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

Today, my boss reported to the police that a suspicious car has been parked outside the store late at night. I walked outside and my car was gone. He had my car towed. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Today, my 14-year-old brother told me he needed help with something "very personal." Thinking he wanted girlfriend advice or something, I said, "Sure, no problem". He wanted me to shave his butt crack. FML

Creepy but funny

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "Recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML