London, England 38 ans
Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML
Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML
Today, I dropped my Blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML
Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML
Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML
Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML
Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML
Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML
Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML
Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML
Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML
Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML
Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML
Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML
Today, I witnessed two women in a catfight, ripping clothes off each other. This would have been great if the two women weren't my mom and my grandma. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in front of an entire street of people. We've only been dating for a week. One of the women in the crowd then called me heartless and threw a hamburger at me when I turned him down. FML
Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML
Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML
Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML
Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML
Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML
Today, while being robbed, a man heroically chased down the robber and got my purse back. He then looked at the distance between us, turned the other way and ran off with it. FML
Today, I thought I heard someone shifting around in my house. I froze in fear and then I heard it again. I thought I was hearing things until I realized that it wasn't an intruder in my home. The shifting noise was my thighs rubbing together when I walked. FML
Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML
Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML
Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML
Today, I realized that the cashier at the liquor store and I are already on a first-name basis. I just moved to this town a week ago. FML
Today, I came across an old man sitting on the pavement with a bottle of beer in one hand. He was crying. I thought I would be a good Samaritan and see if he was okay. After 15 minutes of hearing about how much his life sucked, he mugged me. FML
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