yarani

Today, my window broke and will not close. My room is in a wooded area. I've already chased out two squirrels and a bird and it's only been an hour. I'm afraid I'm gonna wake up like Snow White with all sorts of wildlife sleeping with me. FML

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML

Awkwaaaaard

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

This charming dork

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying, "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

Today, my mom made me go to church choir rehearsal with her so I could sing "the gay" out of me. FML

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

Today, I found the engagement ring I'd bought and been missing for a week. On my girlfriend's hand. While my childhood friend was inside her. They apparently like pretending she's married while doing this. They made this self-discovery a week ago. Good for them. I don't want the ring back. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

Sex work is work

Today, I got a call from my dad asking if I was a porno actress. I am. FML

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding, and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying because my cat sat on my husband's lap instead of mine. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML

Icona Pop, I assume

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

Shit song

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

Knight

Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two months and I are in completely different points in our lives. She ambushed me with ideas of having kids, getting married and being together forever. Currently, my biggest concern is passing the tenth grade. FML

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML