TXFernwoods

Today, at an important statewide band performance, my mom stayed in her seat, silent, while everyone else gave a standing ovation. FML

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

Get on with it

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

Today, after years of providing daily various home-made colourful meals for three kids and a husband, I was asked to "cook something cool, like instant hamburgers, not that lame healthy shit". FML

Gotcha

Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. The first thing he did was hand me a paper containing listed rules he expects me to follow. When I asked if it was a joke, he promptly pointed to number 7 on the list, "Cleanliness is not a joke". FML

Today, my dad spent 30 minutes incorrectly correcting me about our legal system. He thinks he knows more than me because he's been divorced twice. I'm a lawyer. FML

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

Today, I disproved a scientific theory created by my supervisor. He was furious and said that I shouldn't have tried to disprove him. He told me to continue working with his theory and now he threatens to fire me if I publish my work. FML

Today, I got a call from the ICU. Apparently, my boyfriend has been there for 3 days and I'm the only person who didn't know. Even my parents have been to see him. FML

Today, my sister shot my dog with my airsoft gun. When I told my parents, she put on the fakest sobbing I've ever heard, said she didn't even know how to use a gun, and that she saw me shoot my own dog. They believed her and think I need psychiatric help. FML

Being boring

Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML

Take it down!

Today, while my in-laws were visiting, my two-year old accidentally pushed the door wide open while I was sitting on the toilet. My mother-in-law laughed, took out her cell phone, snapped a picture of me, and posted it on Facebook for everyone in our family to see. FML

Face your fears!

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up, and attacked my face. FML

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me to take my belt off as the buckle was hurting her leg. I didn't have a belt on. FML

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he's prepared to commit to marriage, but only if I buy my own ring and tell everyone he surprised me with it. FML

The downside of nepotism

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question? "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

Today, I got up feeling refreshed and positive for the first time in ages, so I happily threw my window open to greet the beautiful morning. A bee flew into my eye. FML

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML