dandancc

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

Nice to know

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

Unconvincing

Today, I tried to discipline my two year-old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

Double standard

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to antidepressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week, I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

Lovely bundles of joy

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I actually took pleasure in sniffing my armpits after two days of not showering. FML

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

Today, the quality of my sex life reached a new low. I faked my orgasm. And so did he. FML

Heckler hell

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

Forgetting something?

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML

Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

Wild mood swings

Today, my boyfriend, who is supposed to protect me from murderers and rapists, had an emotional breakdown because he was so excited that I'd cooked french fries for dinner. FML

Regular boozehound

Today, I was addressed by name by the liquor store clerk. I've never told him my name. He's just seen my ID many times. FML

Afterthought

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said, "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

WTF are you doing in here?

Today, I drove into a cluster of dustbins thanks to my dozy cat who'd managed to get into my car, fall asleep, and wake up while I was driving to work. I lost control when I was startled by him staring at me in the rear-view mirror. FML

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML