Cali

Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

Wake up, human!

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

Pure evil

Today, my sister's kitten walked away from his litter box, jumped onto the table, looked me dead in the eyes, then peed directly onto my laptop. FML

Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML

Today, I returned home after a long day of work. I noticed that my kitten had gotten a hold of my pin cushion, and that there were no needles left in it. My husband and I have only managed to find one, out of 16. FML

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

Oh no

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

The Cheek!

Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML

Ruined

Today, my immature step-father rubbed my head, destroying the $300 hairdo that took two and a half hours to finish. Three minutes before my wedding ceremony. FML

Today, during my beloved's birthday party, I had so much to drink that I puked all over the room. FML

Randy old bird

Today, I had to explain to my mother that it's inappropriate to hit on my boyfriend when his parents are over for dinner. FML

Today, I found out that I have been studying for the wrong final exam. One more hour until the test. FML

Pleased to meet y'all

Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

Today, I gave my boss a nickname. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately, "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend of four years is legally married to a man in prison. He gets out next week. FML

Creepy

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

Today, I was given a wedgie by a complete stranger in a crowded bar. FML

Today, my mom accused my cat of being a "manipulator", and said that we should get rid of him. FML

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML