Mademoiselle Lake Geneva 25 ans Célibataire
Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML
Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML
Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML
Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML
Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML
Today, they played Nickelback at our school dance. FML
Today, I had my first steamy wet dream. It involved the Power Rangers. FML
Today, Club Penguin finally shut down. I then got a call from one of my employees, who said that he needed to take a day off from work to, "emotionally deal with the issue." FML
Today, I worked for 9 hours, walking up and down stairs and surviving. I get off work, come home, pour a glass of wine, and manage to fall down a small staircase in my house, spilling the wine everywhere. FML
Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML
Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML
Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML
Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML
Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML
Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML
Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML
Today, I found out that we're supposed to get 3 feet of snow, and the person who plows our driveway is out of town. We're stranded on a huge hill. FML
Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML
Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML
Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML
Today, my dog thought it would be a good idea to use my phone as a chew toy. FML
Today, I stayed home from work, feeling ill. Come lunchtime, I made myself some ramen noodles, thinking that the broth would feel good on my throat. Too bad I sneezed while carrying the bowl, dumping the boiling hot broth all down my front. The skin on my boob peeled away like tissue. FML
Today, I woke up to find both of my bank accounts frozen. My bank informed me that the IRS had ordered a freeze on my assets because of back taxes owed, and would not unfreeze them until the money is paid. The amount? $2.47. FML
Today, my father cut my hair for the first time. Now, I always have to wear a cap when I go outside. FML
Today, after three university degrees and a decade of avoiding social media in order to make intelligent use of my time online, I discovered that giraffes are addictively mesmerizing. FML
Today, I was walking on the sidewalk near my house when a car pulled out of a parking spot in front of a speeding ambulance. The ambulance swerved up onto the grass. Yes, I broke my arm after being hit by an ambulance. FML
Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, the people who gave me no training or instruction on how to do my job tried to fire me, because asking for clarification apparently means I'm incompetent. FML
Today, I asked students to identify a woman that made a difference in history. I got several people answering Martin Luther King Jr. These are 9th graders. FML
Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML
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