supertacowaffle

Parent brain

Today, I was watching "Caillou". It was a Christmas special for preschoolers. I was quite enjoying myself, when it hit me that my kid had been in bed for an hour. I forget what adult TV is. FML

Today, at the office, after a heavy night of drinking, I had to hear my boss walk around with bells attached to her shoes. She circled the office a total of 34 times today. FML

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

Demon child

Today, I was babysitting a new child. I guess she heard me tell her parents about my severe peanut allergy because she got a jar out of the pantry, spread it all over the stairs leading to where her fort was, and walked around with a baseball bat covered in it so I couldn't come near her. FML

Today, at my school, the student council is trying to raise $5000 for Haiti. They are doing so by playing the song from High School Musical in the hallways and cafeteria everyday until they get the money. FML

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

Vamos arriba!

Today, I realized that even though I've taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML

Today, my wife and I had one of the biggest arguments we've ever had, which resulted in her leaving, going to her parents' house and calling me twice, screaming and sobbing. The argument was over a seven dollar bottle of wine. Apparently, she was "saving it for a special occasion." FML

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

Get them away from me

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

Back 2 school

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft, and practice frequently. FML

Taking it too far

Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

#1 Mom

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

Flow

Today, I was taking a dump in a public toilet, when a guy in the next stall started drunkenly rapping. He kept trying to get me to rap along with him, eventually bashing the wall and threatening to bust my face in if I didn't. I soon found out I can rap to Slob On My Knob pretty well. FML

Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

Today, my little brother got his crush to go out with him by impressing her with his level 500 FarmVille. This is the next generation. FML

Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML

Clubbing tip

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, and she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

Somebody's watching me

Today, my sister, knowing that I'm terrified of his face, taped a picture of Michael Jackson over our toilet. When I entered the washroom, I sprinted back out screaming. Minutes later, while in the shower, I happened to glance up at the ceiling. Guess who was grinning down at me. FML

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

Get out

Today, my English teacher kicked me out of class for being "rude and disruptive." In actuality, I had called her out for having blatantly used Google Translate for several example sentences, all of which sounded as if a semi-literate foreigner had constructed them. FML