Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML
Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML
Today, I farted A LOT during an exam, all silent, so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I'm now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML
Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML
Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML
Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML
Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML
Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML
Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML
Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, all while shaking my booty about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted, "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML
Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML
Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML
Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML
Today, in a hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML
Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML
Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML
Today, after two years and five months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML
Today, my ex came back into my life, professing his love and begging for another chance. This begging act ended rather suddenly once he remembered I have a daughter. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I remembered I had a Reese's Krispy Kreme doughnut in the car. I orgasmed while thinking about a doughnut. FML
Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML
Today, "What kind of penises do you guys have?" wasn't even the weirdest thing I've heard my elderly female co-worker say this morning. FML
Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML
Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML
Today, I was working the drive-thru. Everything was going fine until I handed a customer her order and said, "Happy Holidays". Before she drove off, she yelled, "it's Merry Christmas, bitch" and threw her coffee at the window. I'm Jewish and was trying to be polite. FML
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