Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML
Today, on the bus ride home from work, two women behind me kept pulling my hair. I turned around and told them to, "cut it out." When I got home, I realized they'd took it literally. FML
Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML
Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML
Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML
Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML
Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML
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