Doxy

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

Gambling is harmful

Today, my roommate informed me that he took a bet to not shower or bathe until Christmas. The bet is for five bucks. FML

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

Today, I had a job interview. The moment I walked into the room, the interviewer said, "OK, I will interview you, but there is no way I'm hiring you." FML

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

That was quick

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4 a.m. to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

Today, it was my birthday. But instead of a decent surprise, my friends decided to smash a cake on my face and unhook my dress, while taking a video of it. In a public shopping mall. FML

Inked out

Today, I was talking to my tattoo artist about how my girlfriend broke up with me. She had also gotten her tattoos from him, so they had talked quite a bit. He told me she had been cheating on me with her ex for two and a half months. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to lose business. FML

Great, thanks, I hate you

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

Today, a little girl asked me how I could be so fat and still have small boobs. Great question. FML

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

Can't you see?

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said, "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said, "No, seriously." FML

Spit take

Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

God friended me

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said, "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

Today, I went to a gay club with my supportive straight best friend to find me a date. Somehow, she managed to go home with a guy and I'm still decidedly single. FML

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

Today, whilst at my awards night, I got a boner, right as it was my turn to accept my award. To avoid a awkward situation, I flipped it up and under my belt. This failed to make the situation any less awkward, because the head of my penis poked out through my shirt, in plain view of the audience. FML

You never know

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test, saying, "Well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

Awkward

Today, I was walking outside when I saw my best friend about 100 meters away. I began running towards her, arms flailing, screaming out a tribal battle cry. It wasn't until I was nearly on top of her that I realised it was someone else. FML