mylifesucksoften

Today, I tried to jump through the closing train doors to make it in on time. I missed. FML

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

Today, I tried opening a can for the first time using a manual can opener. I tried for a half hour to open a can of ravioli, mutilating the can in the process. Only after watching five Youtube videos on how to use a manual can opener did I notice the pull-tab on the top of the ravioli can. FML

This doesn't feel nice

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

Wuss

Today, I asked my boyfriend if there's a reason why he has never gone down on me. He responded, "Your back door is too close to your front door and it creeps me out." FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

A tale as old as time

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

Let me Slytherin

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML

Ugly truth

Today, my six year-old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said, "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

Troubling

Today, whilst pleasuring myself in my bedroom, I began absent-mindedly staring at a spider on the ceiling. It wasn't until the point of climax that I realised that I was, in effect, masturbating over a spider. FML

Today, my best friend lost her virginity in the backseat of a car. I was sitting in the front. FML

Ouch

Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

Daddy

Today, my little girl spoke her first word. It was ''Daddy." Daddy left before she was born and she has never met him before. FML

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

Thanks, lady

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

That kidnapped kink

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

Kids these days…

Today, while changing my clothes, my 3 year-old daughter informed me that I looked like a zebra. Noticing my shocked face, she tried comforting me by telling me I was a pretty zebra because I was a purple zebra. She was talking about my stretch marks. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML