swayswayxsophie

Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

Suspicious

Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML

Public freakout time

Today, I was in a pool locker room, surrounded by semi-naked people. While changing into my clothes, I accidentally pushed a button on my phone, causing it to make the loud, unmistakable camera shutter sound effect. Everyone definitely heard it. FML

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

A "friend" indeed

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

It's not a phase!

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It'll be good for her." FML

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

So romantic

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

Today, while using the restroom at McDonald's, a hand reached under my stall and took the remaining toilet paper. FML

Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

I'm a huge fan

Today, I found out how painful it is when your ceiling fan falls on you. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML

Life's a beach

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares, and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

Silver linings

Today, I got a really bad sunburn on my face while at the lake. Not to worry, though; my friends made me feel better by saying, "It takes the attention away from your acne." FML

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML