Timmy_Boy

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML

Noise annoys

Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

Rainy day

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

At last!

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

So generous

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

Today, after waiting 3 months, I finally got my wedding dress back from the dry-cleaners. The dry cleaning lasted longer than the marriage. FML

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

Regressive

Today, at the age of 29, I now have a relationship on par with a teenager's. Several weeks ago, my fiancé and I lost our home, and are now back living with our respective families. We now have no privacy. I actually just got dropped off at home, before 10, after having sex in a hay field. FML

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

Get out

Today, my mother-in-law, who apparently made a copy of our house key without permission, walked in on my husband and me doing the deed. She went crazy, yelling at me for "defiling" her son. Last week, she yelled at me for not having given her grand-children yet. FML

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

Today, for my birthday, the only "gift" my parents gave me was the gift of choice: I got to choose which one of them I'll be living with after their upcoming divorce. This was the first time I'd heard anything about a divorce. FML

Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML

Today, I woke up to my husband taking a piss on our bedroom floor. I screamed that he wasn't in the bathroom, to which he responded, "Shut up! I'm taking a piss, let me finish!" He has no recollection of the event. Now I have to clean up his piss and rewash my clothes. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

Today, my husband told me to look for a honeymoon resort, since we had to cancel it last year. I looked everything up and got all excited. Just when I asked him for payment information, he said "April Fools!" April Fools was two days ago. FML

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML