Mademoiselle nowhere, everywhere
Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML
Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML
Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML
Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML
Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML
Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend was crushing on his best friend. When I found out, I asked him about it. He replied, "Don't worry, she's perfect and is way too good for me." FML
Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML
Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML
Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML
Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML
Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML
Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML
Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML
Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love Twinkies." FML
Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML
Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML
Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML
Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML
Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML
Today, my sister drove past me while I was walking home in the rain. She honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML
Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML
Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML
Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML
Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML
Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML
Today, I introduced my first serious boyfriend to my mother over dinner. He is Asian. My mom insisted on calling him "Ching Chong". His name is Kevin. FML
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