Today, I was about to take a dump when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML
Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. It turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an ad for a Siamese cat. FML
Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This included Nazi symbols, "white power", and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominantly black neighborhood. FML
Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML
Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML
Today, my dad told me he's taking the whole family to Disney World, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML
Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML
Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend started a fake argument and pretended to be mad at me for four days, which was almost enough time for the gigantic hickey that my best friend gave her on her neck to heal. FML
Today, my girlfriend was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said her husband was going to divorce her for seeing me. FML
Today, I went on a date with a great vegan guy in my class. We went to a vegi-restaurant, I dutifully ate all the meatless dishes, but he seemed pissed about something, and other diners kept giving me angry looks. After we left, I realised I'd worn my leather jacket to the date. FML
Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML
Today, I found out that explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the altar, while my husband said his vows. FML
Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing Xbox. FML
Today, after many weeks of talking to this guy over the phone for hours on end and establishing that we both had feelings for the other, we met in person. He saw me, got an "emergency text," and hasn't talked to me since. FML
Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year-old daughter. FML
Today, I got back home and my hamster was dead. I left notes two weeks ago everywhere to remind my parents to feed it while I was overseas. Apparently, my parents even didn't realize I was gone. FML
Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML
Today, the soon-to-be father of my baby told me he thinks I'm an extremely selfish person, and that I don't love him. His reasoning? I haven't given him a back rub in two weeks, sleep too much, and have a hormonal problem. Once again: I AM PREGNANT! FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were asleep. Evidently, he was dreaming about being a UFC fighter, because, out of no where, he grabs the back of my head and punches me in the nose. I haven't been able to breathe right out of my nose all day. FML
Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML
Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML
Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML
Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know three hours ago, before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML
Today, my throat is really swollen so I can only drink liquid. I noticed home-made ice-lollies in the freezer and had one. It tasted funny. Turns out my little brother had peed in one of those ice-lolly box and put it in the freezer. FML
Today, I managed to fall face-first into a used condom. FML
Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML
Today, it was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We had dinner reservations to an expensive restaurant and planned to see a movie after. At least, we did, until he called to tell me he'd volunteered to work tonight. He won't get off until 2am. FML
Today, after threatening my son for weeks that if he didn't clean his room, I would, I went in, equipped with a garbage bag, ready to throw away everything I found, only to discover dozens of empty bottles, two partially empty pizza boxes, Taco Bell wrappers, and cockroaches. FML
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