FMLmercy

A tale as old as time

Today, I found out the only reason why a friend of mine even bothered talking to me. He thought that I'd sleep with him if he was nice enough. FML

Today, I was having a dream about Chris Pratt. Instead of having a sexy dream that I would have enjoyed, I dreamt he was a supervisor at my work. He kept telling me how much I sucked. FML

Today, while lifeguarding over children at work, I started thinking about my girlfriend and got a hard on. Before I realized it, I saved a kid and then hopped out of the pool next to a 5 year old in front of my managers and a little over 50 patrons with a raging boner. My HR meeting is tomorrow. FML

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

Off the charts

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

Today, I had to sit through an entire movie where every time a new character was introduced, the guy sitting behind me would say, "My name is Jeff." FML

Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom died when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered "Women drivers." FML

Today, I'm so out of shape that I got winded from getting out of bed. FML

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

Today, I finally hooked up with my longtime crush. I told all my friends about it, because of course I was really excited. Until later that night, when he texted me, telling me not to tell anyone what had happened, and that it was a one time deal. Oh, and right after that, he asked me for nudes. FML

Today, I bought myself a pair of beautiful, hand-crafted earrings with lighthouses on them. My mother was quick to point out the lighthouses look like dicks. I don't think I can ever wear them again. FML

Today, I went on a blind date and we seemed to have hit it off nicely. I asked him if he could drive me home. Along the way he stopped on a pitch-black road and told me to get out so he could take a picture. He then gave me my bag and drove off, leaving me stranded in the middle of nowhere. FML

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

Today, my girlfriend of a week showed me her talent: shooting milk out of her vagina across the room. Goodbye dairy products. FML

Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML

Today, was my first experience having sex. It was also my first experience with a condom breaking. FML

Today, I woke up to my little sister strangling me. My parents accused me of making the red marks on my throat myself to exaggerate how bad it was. She's just "going through a phase", they say, and I'm a bad person for punching her to get her off me. FML

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

Today, I tried to work on my attitude at work. People say I'm mean, so I tried to be nice all day. Apparently I'm now condescending. FML

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

Today, I got hit on by an attractive young doctor. After talking for a while we realized that we recognized each other but couldn't figure out how. Then he remembered. He was the one who'd delivered my 10 1/2 lb baby 7 months ago. I stood out because my vag tore worse than anything he'd ever seen. FML

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

Today, while driving home from work, I saw my boyfriend mugging a woman on the sidewalk. FML

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

Today, it's been so long since I had sex that even in my sex dreams I'm watching porn alone. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. All I got was him stopping by for a quickie before he went into work. FML

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML