FMLmercy

Secret unlocked

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times, he told me, "Why? It feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence, then he then replied, "I'm not gay, I swear." FML

Today, I discovered that my best friend of 3 years has me in her phone as "Stupid Bitch". FML

Today, I went out on my first date in 2 months. My sister and her friends were also at the same restaurant we went to. I decided to ignore them but they didn't. As a joke, they though it would be funny if her friend came up and said, "I had fun last night, we should do it again". My date left. FML

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

Today, I was at a school rally I was talking to my friends when I noticed the entire gym had gotten quiet. Not knowing why I thought it would be funny to yell out "it's too quiet!" apparently it was a moment of silence for a teacher that had recently died. FML

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "That's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "Push a little harder" while dissecting a frog. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

Today, I was in the car with my 16 year old daughter. There was a guy on a fast looking motorcycle next to me at the stop light. I yelled to him to "get it up!" so that he would do a wheelie. Just before the light turned green he yelled back, "You're too old for me, but I'll get it up for her!" FML

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

I'm fine, this is fine

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

Today, my little sister asked me what she would look like when she got older. I told her that she would probably look a lot like me. She started to cry. FML

My boy!

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

Today, while I was backing out of the my work's parking lot, I hit my boss's truck. While he was in it. FML

Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. FML

Thanks for the memories

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disney World. Monday, I take a class trip to Disney World. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

Today, instead of taking down the Christmas tree, my sister covered it with Valentine's Day decorations. FML

Comedic timing

Today, I got out of the shower and walked into my living room to see my sis' and her boyfriend sitting very closely on our family's fairly large couch. I laughed and said, "Look at the happy couple." Then her now ex-boyfriend burst into tears. Turns out they'd just broken up. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

Today, I got attacked by a monkey. My country isn't even supposed to have monkeys in it. FML

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

Today, I turned in my homework. Too bad I accidentally handed in the printed answer sheet I found online to copy from. FML