Zestus

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

Pleased to see me?

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my knob was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

Today, I managed to fall face-first into a used condom. FML

Milking it

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

Gang violence

Today, I cycled past a group of middle school kids. They decided that they should all start shouting "FAT ALERT" while ringing the bells on their bikes. FML

Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

Old school cool

Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML

Today, at work, I was trying to repeat an order back to this guy, when his drunk girlfriend started to interrupt me. Whenever I would open my mouth, she would say "Blah blah blah." Literally. Eventually, I gave up. I got his order wrong, and got yelled at by my manager for not repeating his order. FML

911 is a joke

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

Precaution

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

Wanking yourself to death

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML

Today, my boyfriend had to give me an enema. FML

Don't wanna know

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

Dad jokes

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML