Zestus

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

Loner

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends, and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

Today, in math class, I had the urge to fart. I had the bright idea that if I dropped my textbook and farted at the same time, nobody would hear it. I dropped my textbook, everyone looked at me, then I farted. Loudly. FML

Today, after going down on my boyfriend, we were cuddling and I went to kiss him. Just before I could reach his lips, he ran his finger over my mouth and whispered, "S-s-s-semen." FML

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

Book him!

Today, there were reports of a drunk and disorderly male, and I arrived at the scene only to discover a drunk guy having explosive diarrhoea in a photo booth. He turned to me and shouted "God save the Queen!" It's then that I remembered it was my job to do something about it. FML

Nice to know, thanks

Today, I was having a romantic conversation with my boyfriend under the stars. He said, "You know how there are people who are beautiful on the inside and people who are beautiful on the outside? Yeah, well you're one of those 'inside' people." FML

Non sequitur

Today, while at dinner, I told my boyfriend that I wished he liked sushi. He replied, "I wish you liked anal." FML

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

Burglary [gone sexual]

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

Bad boy

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

Writer's block

Today, my apartment got robbed. My 'book-in-progress' should keep them company. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

Today, I ran into a guy who I was completely in love with for months. After a couple of minutes, I realised he totally bores me senseless. What a waste of four months obsessing over that shithead. FML

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

Say it, don't spray it

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend gets a nose bleed every time he orgasms. FML

Not a Bio major

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML