Zestus

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

Today, I shaved half my eyebrow off trying to shave my uni-brow. FML

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

Today, I learned that my hairdo must look like a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

For whom the bell tolls

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML

Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

BREAKING NEWS

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

Today, I had to collect my daughter from the hospital. Her boyfriend was even more upset than she was, because his iPhone's screen was damaged beyond repair when the doctor pulled it out of my daughter's vagina. FML

Good boy

Today, as I do every morning, I woke up and gave my dog, who sleeps next to me, a kiss on the nose. Except that this morning he had been sleeping the other way round. I kissed him on the ass. FML

Today, I swallowed the piercing that I had bought for my tongue yesterday. FML

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

Jesus wept

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came, "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

Caught

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML

Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I've slept with him. FML

Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML

Do me

Today, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying, "Come over and do me." He never responded. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said, "Sorry, I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

Today, I arrived at my parents house for dinner. When I got there, I noticed that they had gay pride flags hanging from the porch, and gay rights bumper stickers plastered to their cars. There was also a huge "We accept you, Nick" banner hanging from the garage. I'M NOT GAY! FML