Zestus

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

RIP

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

No life

Today, I realized I have no life after I created a fake Facebook account, posted an insulting message on my wall, and then engaged in a vicious argument with it, just so I could impress my friends. FML

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

Brief encounter

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

Culture wars

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy who yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

Marvel Comics

Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML

Stop talking, stop talking now

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

You sure this is the right time?

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML