Zestus

Thanks, I hate it

Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

Spooky

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

Today, my mom and I were escorted out of the KFC because my mom tried to mug and pick a fight with another customer. FML

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

Testing testing, one two one two

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

My body hates me

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

Creepypasta

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

Today, I used a fire extinguisher for the first time. Too bad it was on my car. FML

Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML