Littlemuffinbox

Magic moments

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. Her response? First, she threw up all over me, then she started crying hysterically. I'll take that as a no. FML

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

Today, it was our 6 month anniversary. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present or take me out to dinner. Instead he cried to me about how much he hates his life while he repeatedly punched himself in the face. Then he dropped me off to spend time with his mom. FML

That's entertainment

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. We decided to have sex in her basement. All awesome, until her mom walked down and wanted to watch a movie with us. I had to watch it naked under a blanket. FML

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend's father that I wanted to talk about his daughter. I then went on to tell him I was thinking about 'popping the cherry', instead of 'popping the question'. FML

Today, I was feeling hungry, so I went to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. I found hundreds of weevils festering in my Lucky Charms. FML

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

Fine, let her catch something

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year-old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother, who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year-old girl." FML

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML

Today, I found out that if my son and daughter in law are mad at me, they do it on my furniture. So far, they've done it on the table, my bed, and all the living room couches. FML

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

Today, I made a mistake at work that got seven people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

Today, my boss reached over and yanked up my shirt right above my breasts while she said, "I'm all for flaunting it if you've got it, but don't reveal that much cleavage, there are dirty old men that work here." FML

Who are you?

Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the crack in the door. I quickly looked away, but about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML

Please forgive me

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

Ugly truth

Today, my six year-old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said, "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML