noodle21844

Sex work is real work

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

Gross night out

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee, but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed on my face. FML

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

Insult to injury

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML

Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

ADMIT IT!

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

Suspicious

Today, I noticed a weird smell coming from my four year-old daughter's room. I went to investigate and found she had been using (and hiding) her garbage can as a toilet, for when she "can't make it in time." FML

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family, "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML