jfw1977

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

Lost in translation

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML