maurerstein

Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

Do it again

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

Today, I work at a debt collections center and I had to call my own father. Merry Christmas. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

Today, I found out why my five-year-old has been throwing tantrums while shopping. It turns out my ex-husband has been paying her three dollars for every public tantrum she throws. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

Duped

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

You what?

Today, I was waiting downstairs at my boyfriend's house as he got ready to go. His mom came over and said she was so glad her son had met me, that I made him really happy. I smiled thinking how nice that was of her to say. She then continued, "Still, he tells me anal is a no?" FML

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend's cousin. After trying to stick his finger up my butt, he blacked out on top of me with his penis still hard inside me. I tried yelling his name and pushing him off, with no success. I ended up having to call my friend to help me. FML

Dirty talk

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

You never know

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test, saying, "Well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

Today, I bought a personalized cookie cake with "Will you go out with me?" for the girl I've liked for five months. When I showed her, she said no, but took the cake with her anyway. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML

All sexed up

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

Class dismissed

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said, "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

Just a kind of magic

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

What have you done this time?

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

That helped

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

Worn out

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. FML

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

Big question

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question." Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML