Mademoiselle Clifton 29 ans En couple
Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML
Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML
Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML
Today, I was at my friend's Bar Mitzvah. After he finished his long-winded speech, I sarcastically did the mockingjay sign from the Hunger Games. It took a couple of seconds before I realized how that looked, and a couple more for me to be shouted down and kicked out. FML
Today, after moving to a new neighbourhood, I went to meet my new neighbour. When she opened the door, all she said was, "Oh not you again!", and shut the door in my face. I have no memory of her. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl who had to cut our date short so she could go on another one. FML
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as "The Cheese Stick Incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML
Today, while shopping with my father, I had to use the restroom. As soon as I opened the door to the men's room, my father yelled that it was the ladies' room. I then turned around and went through the other door, where I ended up getting bitch-slapped. FML
Today, my vegetarian girlfriend put some ghost pepper hot sauce on my steak to teach me a "lesson" about eating meat. FML
Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first handjob. I was nervous, so when she went to do it, I panicked and yelled, "Firmly grasp it!" She then couldn't stop laughing because it was a line from SpongeBob. FML
Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML
Today, I found out that, due to the walls at my uni dorm being ridiculously thin, my entire flat overheard me lose my virginity. Spanking and all. FML
Today, a weird friend of my father's decided to visit us. Our house isn't very big, so when he went to the bathroom, I could hear everything. He didn't wash his hands after a massive dump, and when he came out of the bathroom he patted my face. FML
Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML
Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML
Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML
Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML
Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML
Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML
Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry, and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying, "My body, my rules." FML
Today, I walked in on my 17-year-old brother jerking it to a scene from the movie Frozen. Brain bleach, please. FML
Today, while going down on my boyfriend, I must have gotten a little too enthusiastic because I ripped my tongue's frenulum. We then awkwardly went into the bathroom. While he was washing the blood off his penis, I was hung over the toilet bowl puking because blood makes me woozy. FML
Today, my sister's kitten walked away from his litter box, jumped onto the table, looked me dead in the eyes, then peed directly onto my laptop. FML
Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML
Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML
Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
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